Why Independence and Confidence in Childhood Matters - According to a Psychologist

Independence as an ability is often highlighted and analyzed in both professional literature and everyday communication. It is one of the key abilities that is valued, expected and demanded from employees in their professional development. Taking initiative, being responsible at work, possessing the ability to face obstacles and find solutions are all valuable skills that require practice and time to develop. While this all sounds logical and desirable in theory; these are skills and abilities that need to be developed from early childhood, not just in adulthood. So where does the gap between our expectations of working adults and the minimization of opportunities for independent learning in childhood arise?

The answer is that there a variety of factors that create this gap: from the context in which we as models (parents, family members or educators) are raised and educated; to the established and outdated perspective that "learning happens exclusively in classrooms and under the presence of the teacher as the only bearer of knowledge"; and the pressures and expectations of an educational system that focuses on statistics and averages (numerical values), and completely ignores all other aspects of an individual's holistic development.

It is always easiest to look for the culprit and to focus on what is not working. Instead, this article will focus on understanding the importance of independence in children and its indispensable role during the period of puberty, when children's self-confidence is exposed to great challenges. It is a developmental period in which children often face socio-emotional difficulties, which, if not solved in a timely and adequate manner, can have serious consequences for the child's mental health.

Maria Montessori writes: “the essence of independence is to be able to do something for one’s self. Adults work to finish a task, but the child works in order to grow, and is working to create the adult, the person that is to be. Such experience is not just play... it is work he must do in order to grow up.”  In practice, this means that children as young as 2 years-of-age have capacities that are much greater than most adults believe.

Care of the self, getting dressed, arranging toys, helping with housework, cooking, gardening... These are activities that can be done at various levels of independence, some where the child needs our help, followed by those for which the child has to grow up or adopt additional skills. Interfering in these activities, by stopping the natural process that is unfolding or taking away the child's autonomy is an indirect (and often unconscious on the part of the adult) signal to the child that they are not skillful, successful or good enough at performing the activity, and that others are better at it. Then the activity is no longer a fun challenge or game but something that the child will withdraw from, gladly leaving it to others or focusing exclusively on their mistakes. Mistakes are then not perceived as an opportunity to learn and understand, but as a warning sign that "this is not right/good because I'm not good/smart/skilled enough".

Coming to school often further exacerbates this problem. Inflexibly structured schedules prevent children from freely exploring and analytical researching subjects. Learning and mastering the curriculum is time-limited. Bearing in mind that each child progresses at an individual pace and has unique needs when it comes to learning style, time organization, and personality; this rigidity creates "fertile soil" for a child to withdraw into himself, lose of interest in work, and, most critically, develop a fear of judgment and ridicule from peers.

Being in a Montessori environment does not mean that children will grow up into overconfident individual, who take risks without assessing the consequences or go through life with ease. On the contrary, the flexibility of this environment allows them to prepare for the challenges of real life and to face situations in which they might not emerge victorious. It is by developing an awareness of their strengths and weaknesses that children will be able to assess their capabilities more adequately, and ask for help when they need it. They will also "spiritually feed" and grow from their successes and experiences rather than from comparison with others, condescension, criticism or ridicule.

This theory gets its true and only meaning in practice. I have witnessed many challenging learning opportunities: learning to tie shoelaces; the fear of peer reactions; panic attacks; even avoiding school subjects and work due to personal fears or other people's comments. We go on a journey together with the children; focusing on reinforcing a positive self-image, all while introducing activities that cause fear, worry or insecurity. Of course, there is no ideal scenario where everything changes in a day. It takes time to shift the focus away from the end goal to the process, and to identify and adopt the steps that will help the children reach a solution. The final result of this process is the sentence "I succeeded! I can do it!". I think there is no clearer confirmation than these words. They highlight the skill that the child has developed on a path that is not always easy, but ultimately paid off.

Independence and self-confidence go hand in hand, and we, as adults, can support their development by creating an environment in which children can freely and curiously learn, explore, overcome obstacles without fear, and most importantly believe in themselves!

„We must help the child to act for himself, will for himself, think for himself; this is the art of those who aspire to serve the spirit.“ - Dr. Maria Montessori